Every life leaves something beautiful behind.

This ornament hangs on our tree in memory of our babies we lost earlier this year. While I wish I didn't have this ornament on my tree, in a strange way it is now one of my favorites.

I hope with everything in me, that next year I can place a Baby's First Christmas ornament close by.

If anyone is interested, this is the "Always Remembered" from Hallmark. It does list the year at the top of the ribbon.

Today is my due date.

Technically, I guess I should say it was my due date.

“And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.”

Sa-weet!

My beta is FINALLY negative. FINALLY!! This has been the never-ending miscarriage. Since May 10th to be exact.

When the nurse told me all I could say was, "Sweet!".

I hung up and called my husband right away. His reaction? "Sweet!"

Yeah, today is a good day. It feels amazing to be able to say and think those words.

I'll be having mass amounts of alcohol.

Today's beta? 13. Yes, it went up. Only one, but still. Wrong fvcking direction.
Another draw on Monday. It is looking like I will have to have another methotrexate injection.

Oh, but my nurse said she was aware we were still trying to go on our trip. The trip that was postponed due to my last metho injection. Her word's? Don't lose hope on the vacation.

I didn't bother telling her that hope is no longer in my vocabulary.

Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies

she never did before

From now until she dies,

she'll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mom how she is

and because she can't explain,

She will tell a little lie

because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

She'll say "I'm alright"

If that's the truth, than tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

she seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see,

nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truth

just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how is she

she'll lie and say she's fine

 

This was posted on a miscarriage board I occasionaly post on. Author unknown.

If it wasn't for bad luck,

I don't think I would have any luck at all. Beta level? Back up to 12. It was 10 last week. Another draw this Friday, and that will decide what our next steps are.

My reaction? Well, besides lots of cussing, I am back to using sarcasm as my coping mechanism. I mean, a person can only do so much crying, spending hours in bed, and eating more ice cream than thought possible. Oh, and laughing. You know, like I mentioned here.

I asked my husband last night what he has been thinking about all this. He took a minute and then, "A singer once said, you can't know joy until you know pain." Or something like that.

Obviously my first reaction was to guess what singer he was quoting. "Hank jr?" No "2-pac?" No "Jay-z?" Yes! (I feel like I just played a game of 'which one doesn't belong?') And then I did the next obvious thing. Broke out into "Slamming Bentley doors, hopping out of Porsches,Popping up on Forbes lists, gorgeous."

I understand the quote, and I try to remind myself of everything good in our life, and that yes, things could
be much worse. But, ya know what? I've been dealing with this miscarriage since the beginning of May. I'm ready for some joy. I'd even take a new pain.

In short

image copyright

I have news!

MY LEVELS DROPPED! It is now at 10. I know I shouldn't get that excited because of how things have gone in the past, but this is the first drop in 2.5 weeks. (They previously stayed at 17, then upped to 18)


Please, please be negative next week.

Ouch

D&C #2 was yesterday. The first thing I said when I woke up was, "Why does this hurt soo bad?"
The pain is worse than last time, and so is the constant feeling of having to lean over a toilet.

I'm sure we were quite the sight when me, dh, & both dogs were hanging out in the bathroom yesterday. I couldn't help but laugh though, because I imagine my big pup was wondering why momma was so focused on his big waterbowl that he gets in trouble for drinking out of.

On a positive note, my recovery room nurse was truly amazing. More to come on her later.

Good news? No. What's that?

Hcg was at 18 yesterday. It had been a standstill at 17 for the last 2 Thursdays. Since it is so low,
but won't drop, they want to do a d&c to make sure there isn't any tissue leftover.

Will this ever end?

Time, why you punish me?

Beta is still at 17. That was the number last Thursday. Repeat b/w on Monday. If it's not dropping I will most likely have to get another methotrexate injection. F'ing great, right?

Recap, anyone?

May 7th-pregnant
May 9th-Just kidding, it's not a viable pregnancy
--levels dropping--
May 27th-Beta rising. Methotrexate injection
--levels dropping--Yay!
June 17-Level at a standstill

How much longer is this going to take? I don't think my sanity (if I am still considered sane) can handle this much longer.

Slowly but surely

Beta is still dropping. ::another sigh of relief::

Of course it's taking its sweet ass time. Hurrrry up. Pretty please?

Update

My hcg went back up on Thursday. So, ectopic it is. I went to the hospital Thursday evening for a methotrexate injection. The shots in my ass were far less painful than the following:

Nurse: What number pregnancy?
Me: 2nd
Nurse: So you have one at home.
Me. No. I had a miscarriage.
::Silence::
Nice, huh? Oh, and of course this means no vacation for us right now. No fertility treatments for 3 months. And,  I get to figure out what will are going to tell everyone as to why we didn't leave for our vacation this morning.
So, like I said below. F you universe. This shit isn't funny.

I miss the old me.

The one who used to always laugh, break out in random dance moves, change the words to songs & belt them out to correlate to whatever was going on at the time. Or, just the old me who didn't start crying at the drop of a hat. Or maybe smile, for no reason. The me who could make a simple decision and go to the grocery store without being afraid of seeing someone I know. The me who didn't want to avoid friends.

I feel like a shell of my former self.

I should be happy right now. I want to be happy. We are getting ready to leave on a vacation we have talked about for years. A month long vacation. I want to be excited. But, all I could do was cry the other night when my husband hugged me and asked me what was wrong. The only reason I could give was, "I wish I was happy." And when he asked last night if I was excited for the vacation, I instantly burst into tears. "I want to be excited."

I hope to find a little of my old self on our vacation. It will be just me & my favorite person in the whole world, so if anything will help me, this is it.

(We will be stopping at hospitals every week for blood work. My level was 43 on Monday.)

Memorial for Baby M.

Though time may have passed since the loss of your baby, know that you and your baby are not forgotten. Out of respect for you and your baby, Hospital invites you and your family to a very special memorial. It is the practice of Hospital to bury the remains of tiny miscarried babies together in a "Common Burial."

The memorial is Saturday morning. I am glad that they do this, but I know it is going to be a hard day. I almost wish it would have been last month. Would that have made it any easier? No, but I feel like I have gotten some closure as time has gone by and I don't want to revert back to my worse/more depressed days at all. I hope it brings more closure.

Update

Today's beta was down to 58. Last Monday it was 104, so let's hope they are down to 0 by next Monday. It feels odd to be hoping for my levels to lower, when I still wish so badly I could be watching them double.

And as an added bonus, the tech had a tough time with my veins today. Multiple sticks on both arms. Worst it has been in a LONG time. Nothing like some more salt in the wound.

We have an appointment with the RE next week, but I went ahead and asked the nurse about RPL panels & karyotyping. Hopefully we will get appointments made for that, and may just cancel the appointment with the RE.

Yep, just another normal week in Infertility land.

Bitter or better?

I remember hearing the words "We can become bitter or better." It really hit me. When we go through shitty situations (to say the least) it changes us. I guess I can choose which one I want to become. I always thought that my struggle with infertility would make me a better person in the long run. You know, make me appreciate things more, not take them for granted. Make me a more sympathetic person. A better listener. More understanding. More compassionate. And I can't leave out the fact that I will never ask rude, personal questions. "Why don't you have kids?" ::shudder:: Everyone would be better if they knew not to do such.

But for now, I choose bitter. Or maybe I'm not choosing. Maybe it's because the pain is too raw. Bitter chose me? I don't know. One day, I'll choose better.

This makes me think of a poem I read now & then. You can read it here.

From over the moon to in a dark hole.

I have typed & deleted more than I care to admit. I don't know how to put this into words, or where to even begin.

I had bloodwork on Friday to see if I could start provera, so we could begin another IUI with injectibles cycle. I got the shock of my life when the nurse called & told me I was pregnant. Beta was 146. I got off the phone and couldn't say anything expect WTF? My husband's reaction was pretty much the exact same.

I went back for repeat bloodwork today. Today's was 104. Yep, it's dropping. Over before it really began.

Over. Again.

I am numb. I think I have lost all hope. What little hope was remaining.

Rewind or Fast Forward?

I hate bad days. Bad infertility days that decide to just pop up when you think you are doing ok. Days where I can do nothing but think about what I should be planning for--you know, my baby. Our baby that is no longer here with us. Instead we are planning for more fertility treatments.

Some days I don't know what I would rather have. A rewind or a fast forward button for life.

Genetic counselor appointment

It was a pretty basic, quick appointment. We just talked about the results-triploidy.

Our babe had 3 X chromosomes.

She said there is nothing we passed on to have this result and there is nothing to prevent. Also, the chances of this reoccuring are still the same as for anyone, 1-2%. She mentioned we could have chromosome testing done on us only if we wanted to, but she wasn't suggesting it.