Note to self

Let the past make you better, not bitter.

Today is my due date.

Technically, I guess I should say it was my due date.

“And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.”

"I can't imagine that at the end of this hellish hole you're being thrown down, there isn't something beautiful at the bottom."

This was said to me by a sweet bumpie friend back when we were going through beta hell. I saved it because, well, I loved it. It makes me feel good to read it now & then.

Is there anything someone has said to you, or any favorite quotes that hit home?

Mom knows best

My mom has this saying that she pulls out from time to time. "Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying." When I was younger I rolled my eyes and questioned how that made any sense. As I have gotten older, I have come to realize how true it is. Lately, I have been thinking about that a lot. Granted, I cry too much enough as it is, but sometimes laughing is the approriate reaction.

Yesterday I told my husband we should go out and get a lottery ticket. Why? Because a couple months ago he said that things could only go up from where we were. "As least they can't get worse," he said. (I know, I know. Worst thing to say, ever!) But, things got worse. So, they can only go up from here. Our luck has to change. Hence, the reason I thought we should buy a lottery ticket.

My husband's response? Laughter. Nothing but laughter. Followed by me cracking up.

Sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying.

...

"Infertility is what I do. It's my vocation: I don't get pregnant, or I don't stay pregnant. I'm good at it. I've been more successful at it than at anything else I've tried as an adult."

-Linda Carbone, A Little Pregnant

On the fridge

We got Chinese carryout this weekend. I always get pissed when I get dumb fortunes in the cookie. Sure enough, dumb. But, we got an extra cookie. So, I cracked it open the next night with our leftovers.

Those who can endure most are rewarded most.

It's on my refrigerator to stay. Hell, I might even frame this one!

I will..

I saved a lot of quotes & poems over the past several months. I found it helpful to read them when I was having a bad day. Here is a favorite. Author Unknown

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

I can't read this without singing it in my head.

If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger,
We're gonna last longer
Than that greatest wall in China
Or that rabbit with the drum

If there's one thing that I've learned
While waiting for my turn,
It's that in each life some rain falls
But you also get some sun

And we'll make out better than okay
Hear what I say
Hey, any day

Thanks for the reminder, Roseanne.