And the sun is shinin'

This road keeps windin'

Through the prettiest country

And I got the one I love beside me

My troubles behind me

I'm alive and I'm free

On the road again

Well, our vacation officially began at the start of this week!! Yes, the vacation that I talked about numerous times, only to be postponed. However, none of that matters now that it's here!

Let me apologize in advance, because I know I will be neglecting this blog for the next four weeks. I'll try to make a few posts, and maybe show some photos, but internet could be hit or miss for a while.

Hope everyone is doing great!

Crisis averted

I know I have mentioned near run-ins with my Mother-in-law while leaving the RE. Since you have to walk through the main entrance of the local women's hospital to get to the RE, (I am not joking. What evil person designed things that way??) I am always worried about seeing someone I know.  When I'm alone I slap on my sunglasses and book it to the stairs or run to hide in a bathroom if I think I see someone I know. (True story) But, with the husband in tow, it's even more nerve-wracking.

Yesterday we had a follow-up appointment with our current RE. Husband sees his mom's car parked in the parking lot. ::Cue panic attack.:: Ok, we'll park in a different parking lot and walk farther in the 100 degree weather, no biggie. While we are sitting in the truck, getting our made up stories straight in case we see her, my grandparents drive by. At this point all I can do is laugh. As in laugh soo hard I can barely breathe. My cousin had just given birth, so she was also in the hospital. So, that just added even more family members to possibly dodge.

We miraculously made it in and out without seeing anyone. Goodbye RE! Yet another reason I won't miss you!!

Cheater, Cheater

So, we have been having some second thoughts about our RE recently. We had a consultation with a new RE yesterday.

Since our "2nd loss" I have questioned whether I was ever really pregnant again, or if my hcg was still up after my first d&c. My RE dismissed that theory right away. I could never really get rid of that feeling, but since I'm not a doctor I listened to him. The new RE thought the opposite. He also added in the possibility that I had an ectopic with my first pregnancy, in addition to my miscarriage. Of course, we will never know for sure, but new RE was confident that my numbers were up from my first loss.

New RE thought the recent d&c was unnecessary, due to my low numbers at the time. I questioned old RE's office about this beforehand, and was convinced it was needed. Also, I found out I had a cervical perforation during second d&C. I know it isn't that uncommon, but I was never told. I found out when I requested my medical records. Nice.

New RE wants me to also do Menopur injects. It contains both FSH & LH, which I have low levels of. I stimmed for 14 days last time (with gonal-f only) and only had one "for sure" follicle and then a close second they weren't positive about. Menopur should give me better quality eggs, faster.
This was one time that cheating was a smart & necessary decision.

You scream, I scream, we all scream

In the past, I would have celebrated good news with some Mich Ultras, vodka & sprite (extra lime, please),  and whatever else sounded good at the time.

How did I celebrate this week? With ice cream & a high five!  ::I will allow this time for you to stop laughing, rolling your eyes, and calling me a dork::  I know, it's not nearly as fun as the first option, but hangovers hurt waaay to bad these days.

Oh, and maybe I forgot to mention that I will also be celebrating while on vacation! We are leaving on Monday, and will return home sometime in August. I guess that beats ice cream & a high five.

Sa-weet!

My beta is FINALLY negative. FINALLY!! This has been the never-ending miscarriage. Since May 10th to be exact.

When the nurse told me all I could say was, "Sweet!".

I hung up and called my husband right away. His reaction? "Sweet!"

Yeah, today is a good day. It feels amazing to be able to say and think those words.

I'll be having mass amounts of alcohol.

Today's beta? 13. Yes, it went up. Only one, but still. Wrong fvcking direction.
Another draw on Monday. It is looking like I will have to have another methotrexate injection.

Oh, but my nurse said she was aware we were still trying to go on our trip. The trip that was postponed due to my last metho injection. Her word's? Don't lose hope on the vacation.

I didn't bother telling her that hope is no longer in my vocabulary.

Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies

she never did before

From now until she dies,

she'll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mom how she is

and because she can't explain,

She will tell a little lie

because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

She'll say "I'm alright"

If that's the truth, than tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

she seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see,

nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truth

just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how is she

she'll lie and say she's fine

 

This was posted on a miscarriage board I occasionaly post on. Author unknown.

If it wasn't for bad luck,

I don't think I would have any luck at all. Beta level? Back up to 12. It was 10 last week. Another draw this Friday, and that will decide what our next steps are.

My reaction? Well, besides lots of cussing, I am back to using sarcasm as my coping mechanism. I mean, a person can only do so much crying, spending hours in bed, and eating more ice cream than thought possible. Oh, and laughing. You know, like I mentioned here.

I asked my husband last night what he has been thinking about all this. He took a minute and then, "A singer once said, you can't know joy until you know pain." Or something like that.

Obviously my first reaction was to guess what singer he was quoting. "Hank jr?" No "2-pac?" No "Jay-z?" Yes! (I feel like I just played a game of 'which one doesn't belong?') And then I did the next obvious thing. Broke out into "Slamming Bentley doors, hopping out of Porsches,Popping up on Forbes lists, gorgeous."

I understand the quote, and I try to remind myself of everything good in our life, and that yes, things could
be much worse. But, ya know what? I've been dealing with this miscarriage since the beginning of May. I'm ready for some joy. I'd even take a new pain.

In short

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