I'm still here.

I know I've been extra quiet. I'm struggling lately. I hope to be back to regularly scheduled programming soon.

Update

My hcg went back up on Thursday. So, ectopic it is. I went to the hospital Thursday evening for a methotrexate injection. The shots in my ass were far less painful than the following:

Nurse: What number pregnancy?
Me: 2nd
Nurse: So you have one at home.
Me. No. I had a miscarriage.
::Silence::
Nice, huh? Oh, and of course this means no vacation for us right now. No fertility treatments for 3 months. And,  I get to figure out what will are going to tell everyone as to why we didn't leave for our vacation this morning.
So, like I said below. F you universe. This shit isn't funny.

I miss the old me.

The one who used to always laugh, break out in random dance moves, change the words to songs & belt them out to correlate to whatever was going on at the time. Or, just the old me who didn't start crying at the drop of a hat. Or maybe smile, for no reason. The me who could make a simple decision and go to the grocery store without being afraid of seeing someone I know. The me who didn't want to avoid friends.

I feel like a shell of my former self.

I should be happy right now. I want to be happy. We are getting ready to leave on a vacation we have talked about for years. A month long vacation. I want to be excited. But, all I could do was cry the other night when my husband hugged me and asked me what was wrong. The only reason I could give was, "I wish I was happy." And when he asked last night if I was excited for the vacation, I instantly burst into tears. "I want to be excited."

I hope to find a little of my old self on our vacation. It will be just me & my favorite person in the whole world, so if anything will help me, this is it.

(We will be stopping at hospitals every week for blood work. My level was 43 on Monday.)

Update

Today's beta was down to 58. Last Monday it was 104, so let's hope they are down to 0 by next Monday. It feels odd to be hoping for my levels to lower, when I still wish so badly I could be watching them double.

And as an added bonus, the tech had a tough time with my veins today. Multiple sticks on both arms. Worst it has been in a LONG time. Nothing like some more salt in the wound.

We have an appointment with the RE next week, but I went ahead and asked the nurse about RPL panels & karyotyping. Hopefully we will get appointments made for that, and may just cancel the appointment with the RE.

Yep, just another normal week in Infertility land.

Bitter or better?

I remember hearing the words "We can become bitter or better." It really hit me. When we go through shitty situations (to say the least) it changes us. I guess I can choose which one I want to become. I always thought that my struggle with infertility would make me a better person in the long run. You know, make me appreciate things more, not take them for granted. Make me a more sympathetic person. A better listener. More understanding. More compassionate. And I can't leave out the fact that I will never ask rude, personal questions. "Why don't you have kids?" ::shudder:: Everyone would be better if they knew not to do such.

But for now, I choose bitter. Or maybe I'm not choosing. Maybe it's because the pain is too raw. Bitter chose me? I don't know. One day, I'll choose better.

This makes me think of a poem I read now & then. You can read it here.

From over the moon to in a dark hole.

I have typed & deleted more than I care to admit. I don't know how to put this into words, or where to even begin.

I had bloodwork on Friday to see if I could start provera, so we could begin another IUI with injectibles cycle. I got the shock of my life when the nurse called & told me I was pregnant. Beta was 146. I got off the phone and couldn't say anything expect WTF? My husband's reaction was pretty much the exact same.

I went back for repeat bloodwork today. Today's was 104. Yep, it's dropping. Over before it really began.

Over. Again.

I am numb. I think I have lost all hope. What little hope was remaining.

Roseanne. Again.

So, I love Roseanne. I might just love the words to the theme song even more. They are just so fitting, I can't help but relate. I sing it just as much as I talk about it.(like here & here) Ok, I sing it more. Way more. So, I am super excited to get these framed and up on the wall.
(I designed them in Illustrator &  printed as 11x14 with a canvas finish.)

Ramblings

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, a rambling of how I feel about IF...today.

It's hard sometimes to even put into words how I am feeling. Hell, it's hard to even know what I'm feeling a lot of the time.

It's almost as if I am just running on auto pilot these days. I'm not really sure what I do during the day to keep myself occupied. Suddenly, it's nighttime, and I'm just glad to be going to bed. Not sure how I am even tired enough to sleep.

Infertility is such a roller coaster. You have your days where you feel optimistic, and you look back at your down days and think you are so far past them, and you pretend they aren't going to creep back up on us. Sadly, we all know they will & do. And now I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I didn't have my miscarriage. Yes, I would still be on the infertility meltdown rollercoaster, but I wouldn't have the pain of losing our baby. Seeing a heartbeat one week, and then nothing beating the next. But, I loved our baby wholeheartedly for that short time she was with us. Even though it's the worst pain I have known, I woudln't want to erase it from my life.

I confided in my bff a few weeks back. Until then, she knew nothing of the IF/miscarriage. It's hard to try to explain 16 months of struggles & heartache to someone. One thing I remember saying to her is "I never thought this would be my life."

There is a saying "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."
Most days I don't feel strong at all, but one day I hope to look back and be able to see that I was.

Girl's best friend?

Remember THIS post? You know, the happiest post I have written in quite some time.

Well, here it is again. I just got a gift of follitism this morning, from another dear friend.

I have met so many amazing women through this struggle of infertility, and I will forever be grateful for that. And to my follitism gifter, I can't thank you enough.

Rewind or Fast Forward?

I hate bad days. Bad infertility days that decide to just pop up when you think you are doing ok. Days where I can do nothing but think about what I should be planning for--you know, my baby. Our baby that is no longer here with us. Instead we are planning for more fertility treatments.

Some days I don't know what I would rather have. A rewind or a fast forward button for life.

What's the best gift you can give an Infertile?

Or, at least and infertile who is out of pocket for fertility treatments?
Hint: Better than diamonds, and sometimes just as expensive.

Follitism!

I smile every time I open my refrigerator and see it. Now, must keep any visitors from questioning the cooler in the fridge.

To my dear friend who made these smiles possible-I already knew you were amazing, but thanks for reminding me!

The universe hates me.

Or so it seems.
Got a call from my obgyn today. We have been waiting on our testing results since the d&c. Well, someone at the lab didn't run the tests properly. So, we won't be getting any results. F you lab. Seriously, Fvck you.

We also had our follow up appointment with the RE this morning. Today is also cd 3. So, after the doctor said we were fine to start treatments again if we were up to it, I had an u/s to check everything out. Well, my lining is too thick. We can't start treatments until next cycle. Lovely.

Fuck you infertility. Fuck you lab people.

I will..

I saved a lot of quotes & poems over the past several months. I found it helpful to read them when I was having a bad day. Here is a favorite. Author Unknown

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

When are you having a baby?!?

I can not take credit for this. I don't remember where I found it. I haven't used any of these responses...yet. Though, I may have made others less uncomfortable had I chosen one of these instead of the response, "Our sex life isn't appropriate dinner conversation."

Top Ten Best Responses to "When Are You Having a Baby?"

10. As soon as I get off the crack.

9. Oh, are you interested in buying one?

8. I'm waiting for the Angel Gabriel to come down and let me know.

7. I'm not sure. Actually, could you remind me again how babies are made? I forgot.

6. I'm actually pregnant with puppies right now. Isn't that wild?

5. It's the craziest thing, but when I met your kid, I ran out and got my tubes tied.

4. Oh, I'm pregnant right now! By the way, do you have anymore Scotch?

3. We're waiting until we can get one through mail order because I have a feeling IKEA is gonna have the cuuuuutest babies

2. Next Sunday at half past five.

1. I don't know, when?

I can't read this without singing it in my head.

If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger,
We're gonna last longer
Than that greatest wall in China
Or that rabbit with the drum

If there's one thing that I've learned
While waiting for my turn,
It's that in each life some rain falls
But you also get some sun

And we'll make out better than okay
Hear what I say
Hey, any day

Thanks for the reminder, Roseanne.