The one who used to always laugh, break out in random dance moves, change the words to songs & belt them out to correlate to whatever was going on at the time. Or, just the old me who didn't start crying at the drop of a hat. Or maybe smile, for no reason. The me who could make a simple decision and go to the grocery store without being afraid of seeing someone I know. The me who didn't want to avoid friends.
I feel like a shell of my former self.
I should be happy right now. I want to be happy. We are getting ready to leave on a vacation we have talked about for years. A month long vacation. I want to be excited. But, all I could do was cry the other night when my husband hugged me and asked me what was wrong. The only reason I could give was, "I wish I was happy." And when he asked last night if I was excited for the vacation, I instantly burst into tears. "I want to be excited."
I hope to find a little of my old self on our vacation. It will be just me & my favorite person in the whole world, so if anything will help me, this is it.
(We will be stopping at hospitals every week for blood work. My level was 43 on Monday.)