In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, a rambling of how I feel about IF...today.
It's hard sometimes to even put into words how I am feeling. Hell, it's hard to even know what I'm feeling a lot of the time.
It's almost as if I am just running on auto pilot these days. I'm not really sure what I do during the day to keep myself occupied. Suddenly, it's nighttime, and I'm just glad to be going to bed. Not sure how I am even tired enough to sleep.
Infertility is such a roller coaster. You have your days where you feel optimistic, and you look back at your down days and think you are so far past them, and you pretend they aren't going to creep back up on us. Sadly, we all know they will & do. And now I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I didn't have my miscarriage. Yes, I would still be on the infertility meltdown rollercoaster, but I wouldn't have the pain of losing our baby. Seeing a heartbeat one week, and then nothing beating the next. But, I loved our baby wholeheartedly for that short time she was with us. Even though it's the worst pain I have known, I woudln't want to erase it from my life.
I confided in my bff a few weeks back. Until then, she knew nothing of the IF/miscarriage. It's hard to try to explain 16 months of struggles & heartache to someone. One thing I remember saying to her is "I never thought this would be my life."
There is a saying "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."
Most days I don't feel strong at all, but one day I hope to look back and be able to see that I was.