They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind my smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried,
I want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

~Author Unknown

The universe hates me.

Or so it seems.
Got a call from my obgyn today. We have been waiting on our testing results since the d&c. Well, someone at the lab didn't run the tests properly. So, we won't be getting any results. F you lab. Seriously, Fvck you.

We also had our follow up appointment with the RE this morning. Today is also cd 3. So, after the doctor said we were fine to start treatments again if we were up to it, I had an u/s to check everything out. Well, my lining is too thick. We can't start treatments until next cycle. Lovely.

Fuck you infertility. Fuck you lab people.

Three!

Happy Birthday to my babies!! Three years old today.

My pup girl. She is a smart, spoiled, miss independent.

Big boy. He is a sweet, spoiled cuddler.

I will be celebrating by baking them a dog safe cake. And because I am a crazy dog lady, I am going to try to take pictures of them in birthday hats. Don't worry, I am aware I have officially lost it! If either one is successful, I will post photos.

Randomness

Just some random thoughts that I have been meaning to blog:

The other week I yelled at the tv. Something to the effect of "stupid bitch." My husband responded with the fact that he was glad to see me getting a little more of my old self back. I believe he might have thrown out the word sassiness as well.

It was a horrible idea to look at the video of us telling my parents I was pregnant. I asked my husband to record it on his i-phone. Well, I forgot all about it, and found it the other week. To see my mom get so happy & cry, watching my dad jump out of his chair yelling "I told you, I told you, I knew it, I knew it"-- was heartbreaking. My husband realized what I was watching and snatched it away. Then deleted it. Good call on his part. Bad call on mine.

I fully intend to make my dogs a cake on their birthday. I fully realize many people will think I am crazy.

Road Trip!!

Saturday morning we decided to go on a road trip and have some fun. Yeah, I know, road trip on Easter weekend? The fact that it was Easter was the main reason for the trip. I'm still not up for being around large groups of people, even if it is family. Also, Easter was the day we were going to announce our pregnancy to the family. Knife, meet heart.

So, we had lots of this:

While watching this:

 I smiled. I laughed. I had fun. I felt like the "old me". I know I am still going to have my bad days where I cry at the drop of a hat, and of course I think of the baby every day. But, this weekend reminded me that I can & will be happy again. And reminded me once again, like every other day, that my husband is so, so amazing, and I really am the luckiest girl.

...

It’s like jumping, it’s like leaping
It’s like walking on the ceiling
It’s like floating, it’s like flying
Through the air
It’s like soaring, it’s like gliding
It’s a rocket ship you’re riding
It’s a feeling that can take you anywhere

It’s like a knife through the heart
When it all comes apart
It’s like someone takes a pin
To your balloon
It’s a hole, it’s a cave
It’s kinda like a grave

Today....

 

I actually put on makeup!

I went on a walk, alone.

I went to the grocery store, alone! (This is MAJOR for me. I have not gone anywhere alone since the m/c in fear of running into someone I know and, well, actually having to talk to them.)

I sat outside in the sunshine and wrote in my journal.

I played with my dogs.

I set up my follow-up appointment with my doctor to discuss our next treatment cycle. Which I assume will be the same as last time, IUI with injectibles.

And since I am only going to focus on the positives today-that is all.