For ambrandau2 :)

I enjoy that they have a flamingo in the front yard. I think it's fitting.

Work situation

I've decided to go ahead and give the back story on my work situation.

So, our infertility & miscarriage have been kept private. (Yes, I know, I have a blog and discuss these things on a message board. I'm talking about "in real life": people I see on a daily basis, friends & family) It has only been shared with my parents. However, I decided I would tell my boss that I was having a d&c. I didn't want it to appear that I was slacking for not coming in for a week, and I didn't want to be bothered with questions from her. So, I told her I was having surgery and I asked that it be kept confidential.

Let's fast forward a week. The day before I was supposed to go back to work I open my email to find one from my boss. An email telling me that she shared my personal information with other people in my department, even though she knew I didn't want her to. Throw in some "twisted my arm" and "couldn't be dishonest" and that about sums it up. I was furious. Furious. Fury followed by tears. Our best friends and other family members don't know about our miscarriage, but now these people knew.

I went back to work that Monday. Thursday morning I left for good. It was the best decision for me.

Unemployed

Or, like I told my dogs when I got home, I'm their stay at home mommy for now. Should I laugh or cry for admitting that I actually said that?

I stood up for myself. I quit.

On the fridge

We got Chinese carryout this weekend. I always get pissed when I get dumb fortunes in the cookie. Sure enough, dumb. But, we got an extra cookie. So, I cracked it open the next night with our leftovers.

Those who can endure most are rewarded most.

It's on my refrigerator to stay. Hell, I might even frame this one!

As promised..

You may remember THIS post about dh. He just doesn't do well at doctor's offices. When they drew my blood on Monday, I asked dh if he wanted to go on the other side of the curtain. I was not joking. He decided turning his head would be sufficient. To my surprise, it was. Also, no fainting when my iv was put it. More points for him.

Let's fast forward to the recovery room. They bring dh in and give him a chair (nevermind that this thing was super high and towering over me). I admit I was still a little "out of it" at this time, so I can not remember how long he was sitting by me before he got up. He just got up, walked over by a wall of cabinets, and sat down on the floor. A nurse grabbed a fan and put it on him. He was, once again, white as a ghost. One nurse asked another to grab a drink and crackers. When she came in with them, she first tried to give them to me, because who would expect it would be for the patient's husband sitting on the floor in order to avoid passing out?
 
Hey, at least he can always make me smile. And, he didn't fall out of the chair.

If what doesn't kill us...

I've been singing this a lot.

Not out loud, of course.

One step forward,

Two steps back.

Progress

I got out of bed. And not only did I actually get out of bed, I went outside. It is about 70 degrees and sunny, and my dh stayed home with me today. So, he finally convinced me to get outside and watch the dogs play fetch. I even helped give them a bath. I was probably outside for near an hour.

And that, my friends, is progress.

D&C

I wanted to write about my d&c experiece because I am hoping that it will be therapeutic/healing in some way for me. Also, if there is someone that stumbles across my blog, and sadly finds themselves in the same position, hopefully it can help them as well. I was lucky to have someone to answer questions for me, and it helped to not go into it all totally blind.
I had to arrive at the hospital at 8 am, with the surgery scheduled for 10:00. I was taken to a private room, filled out a couple forms, answered basic questions, changed into the dreaded hospital gown, climbed into the bed & waited.
I had my IV inserted, and blood drawn. I was very happy that neither one hurt to do, but a few minutes after the IV was in, my hand and arm were in pain. I'm glad I asked the nurse, instead of just dealing with it, bc something went wrong. Once it was redone in my other arm there was no pain.
My doctor & the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me at different times. They explained what would be done and asked if I had any questions.
I was taken into surgery earlier than scheduled. As I was being wheeled through the hallways, I just kept thinking how it felt like I was in a movie. The whole scenario just still didn't feel real. As I was moving from my bed to the table, the anesthesiologist told me I would start to feel drowsy.
I then woke up in a recovery room. I asked for them to bring my husband in to see me. Before the surgery they said he would be in my room once I got out of recovery, but they went ahead and let him come in. I was still a little out of it at this point. I can't remember how long I was in the recovery room until they wheeled me once again to another private room. I was told once I drank something, ate, and went to the bathroom I could be released.
I was not expecting to be so bloated. I made the mistake of looking in a mirror in the bathroom. I actually looked pregnant. It did go down right away though, thankfully. The worst part after surgery for me, physcially, was the pain when I went to the bathroom. I am no stranger to uti's, but this was BAD. As in, I would cry if I had to pee. It helped a little to chug water. And, the pain is now gone today. So, it didn't last too long.
I have had some cramping off and on, but nothing too bad. I did get pain meds, and have taken them when I feel any cramping coming on. I haven't slept all that much, and without the pills I know sleep would have been even harder to come by than it has been.
The physcial part has been much easier than the emotional, but that is what I expected. I took this whole week off work, and haven't been out of bed for more than a few minutes at a time. I am not looking forward to facing the real world again.

Things that have made me smile

Though it seems rare, I have actually smiled a little these past few days. Reasons?

• My husband. He'll get his own post soon, and I'm sure one of the things that made me smile won't surprise you.

• My dogs. I love the way they get soo excited when they realize "their" comforter is being put on the bed. (It's what we do when I need a pick me up) I love that they both were trying to nudge the other out of the way to be closest to me. And were knocking heads over who licked my tears away. It made me smile that my big pup boy is such the teddy bear, and snuggles with me no matter what. Even my pup girl, who is miss independent and needs her space, snuggled up to me. It's crazy how dogs just sense you need a little more love sometimes.

• All the lovely ladies for their t&p, kind words & support. It brought good tears to my eyes. You know who you are.

Goodbye Baby M.

"What the heart has once owned & had, it shall never lose."

This can't really be happening. I just want to wake up from this bad dream. Infertility was the unlucky hand we were dealt. I don't want to add loss.

Nothing seems real. Yesterday before we went into our appointment, I was shaking. Literally. I was so nervous. I had a nagging feeling since our last appointment that something wasn't right. The fact that I could have a baby in October didn't seem real. Nothing seems real.

I have to have surgery on Monday. To remove my baby. I guess it doesn't get any more real than that.

No heartbeat

No heartbeat. Just air. That's what we were told at the RE's office today.
D&C is Monday morning.

No words for this pain.

Operation "don't see anyone we know" FAIL

Ok, so it wasn't even near being as bad as last time's close call, but still. I get so nervous everytime we head to the RE that we will see someone we know. But, this wasn't a close call. This was an "actually make eye contact with a person you don't want to see" call. We were on our way out of the hospital main doors when DH saw a pretty close friend of his parents. Said person also has daughter who is great friends with DH's sister. Lovely. Hopefully they don't mention the encounter.

Oh, and since we are always trying to avoid people, I decided we should take the stairs that are right next to the RE's office. We had no clue where they went, but how hard could it be to figure it out, right? Well, those stairs apparently only lead to locked doors. I had visions of us being stuck in this nasty stairwell. Locked doors and signs that said "keypad broken" was all there was. So, we stomped back up the stairs and luckily the door we entered in was still unlocked. Such fun stuff at the RE's I tell ya!

"Everything looks good"

according to the nurse at the RE office. We saw the sac, fetal pole and the flutter of the heartbeat. The appointment did calm my nerves, somewhat at least.

But, really, why must the nurse wait so long before she talks during the exam? I lay there, watching her face for any reaction, and fearing for the worst. Finally, she stopped and said "There is a sac." She turned the screen to show us, and then went on to do the rest. Even DH said he was watching her face, thinking the worst as well. At least I will know not to get too worried next time if she is my nurse and the silence seems to be never-ending.

Tomorrow

Is my first ultrasound. Nervous, scared, EXCITED. That about covers it.