Ramblings

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, a rambling of how I feel about IF...today.

It's hard sometimes to even put into words how I am feeling. Hell, it's hard to even know what I'm feeling a lot of the time.

It's almost as if I am just running on auto pilot these days. I'm not really sure what I do during the day to keep myself occupied. Suddenly, it's nighttime, and I'm just glad to be going to bed. Not sure how I am even tired enough to sleep.

Infertility is such a roller coaster. You have your days where you feel optimistic, and you look back at your down days and think you are so far past them, and you pretend they aren't going to creep back up on us. Sadly, we all know they will & do. And now I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I didn't have my miscarriage. Yes, I would still be on the infertility meltdown rollercoaster, but I wouldn't have the pain of losing our baby. Seeing a heartbeat one week, and then nothing beating the next. But, I loved our baby wholeheartedly for that short time she was with us. Even though it's the worst pain I have known, I woudln't want to erase it from my life.

I confided in my bff a few weeks back. Until then, she knew nothing of the IF/miscarriage. It's hard to try to explain 16 months of struggles & heartache to someone. One thing I remember saying to her is "I never thought this would be my life."

There is a saying "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."
Most days I don't feel strong at all, but one day I hope to look back and be able to see that I was.

Out with the old..

So I finally got around to adding a new header. The boring, text only header was way overdue for a change. Opinions? Should I go with something else?

Girl's best friend?

Remember THIS post? You know, the happiest post I have written in quite some time.

Well, here it is again. I just got a gift of follitism this morning, from another dear friend.

I have met so many amazing women through this struggle of infertility, and I will forever be grateful for that. And to my follitism gifter, I can't thank you enough.

Rewind or Fast Forward?

I hate bad days. Bad infertility days that decide to just pop up when you think you are doing ok. Days where I can do nothing but think about what I should be planning for--you know, my baby. Our baby that is no longer here with us. Instead we are planning for more fertility treatments.

Some days I don't know what I would rather have. A rewind or a fast forward button for life.

Seriously.

Happy Earth Day!!

(it really should be every day.)

Oops.

I don't know how I forgot to post my pups' birthday pics.

They didn't dig the forced  posed photos with the hats.

But, they loved their cake!

What's the best gift you can give an Infertile?

Or, at least and infertile who is out of pocket for fertility treatments?
Hint: Better than diamonds, and sometimes just as expensive.

Follitism!

I smile every time I open my refrigerator and see it. Now, must keep any visitors from questioning the cooler in the fridge.

To my dear friend who made these smiles possible-I already knew you were amazing, but thanks for reminding me!

Genetic counselor appointment

It was a pretty basic, quick appointment. We just talked about the results-triploidy.

Our babe had 3 X chromosomes.

She said there is nothing we passed on to have this result and there is nothing to prevent. Also, the chances of this reoccuring are still the same as for anyone, 1-2%. She mentioned we could have chromosome testing done on us only if we wanted to, but she wasn't suggesting it.

Good news.

Good news. Ironic, again. But, still good news.

We have an appointment with a genetic counselor tomorrow. She just called me today. I am beyond thrilled she could fit us in so soon.

Yes, good news.

FINALLY! Test results.

So, my obgyn called me on Friday. She apologized again for not being able to give me the results, and said for the past 2 weeks her and the nurse have been talking to the lab. Then, on to the good news. She tracked down our results. Apparently they were sent to the wrong lab. Finally, we actually have results. Triploid. She is also setting up an appointment for us with a genetic counselor to review the results. Infertility treatments will be on hold until we meet with her. Obviously, I want to get in yesterday.


I am extremely relieved to have results, and I'm looking forward to having a better understanding of it all.

Here's a brief explanation if you're interested. The majority of babies with triploidy die before birth, and those that make it to term rarely survive the first six months of life.Triploidy means that a baby has three copies of each chromosome in each cell rather two, making a total of 69 chromosomes.

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind my smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried,
I want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

~Author Unknown

The universe hates me.

Or so it seems.
Got a call from my obgyn today. We have been waiting on our testing results since the d&c. Well, someone at the lab didn't run the tests properly. So, we won't be getting any results. F you lab. Seriously, Fvck you.

We also had our follow up appointment with the RE this morning. Today is also cd 3. So, after the doctor said we were fine to start treatments again if we were up to it, I had an u/s to check everything out. Well, my lining is too thick. We can't start treatments until next cycle. Lovely.

Fuck you infertility. Fuck you lab people.

Three!

Happy Birthday to my babies!! Three years old today.

My pup girl. She is a smart, spoiled, miss independent.

Big boy. He is a sweet, spoiled cuddler.

I will be celebrating by baking them a dog safe cake. And because I am a crazy dog lady, I am going to try to take pictures of them in birthday hats. Don't worry, I am aware I have officially lost it! If either one is successful, I will post photos.

Randomness

Just some random thoughts that I have been meaning to blog:

The other week I yelled at the tv. Something to the effect of "stupid bitch." My husband responded with the fact that he was glad to see me getting a little more of my old self back. I believe he might have thrown out the word sassiness as well.

It was a horrible idea to look at the video of us telling my parents I was pregnant. I asked my husband to record it on his i-phone. Well, I forgot all about it, and found it the other week. To see my mom get so happy & cry, watching my dad jump out of his chair yelling "I told you, I told you, I knew it, I knew it"-- was heartbreaking. My husband realized what I was watching and snatched it away. Then deleted it. Good call on his part. Bad call on mine.

I fully intend to make my dogs a cake on their birthday. I fully realize many people will think I am crazy.

Road Trip!!

Saturday morning we decided to go on a road trip and have some fun. Yeah, I know, road trip on Easter weekend? The fact that it was Easter was the main reason for the trip. I'm still not up for being around large groups of people, even if it is family. Also, Easter was the day we were going to announce our pregnancy to the family. Knife, meet heart.

So, we had lots of this:

While watching this:

 I smiled. I laughed. I had fun. I felt like the "old me". I know I am still going to have my bad days where I cry at the drop of a hat, and of course I think of the baby every day. But, this weekend reminded me that I can & will be happy again. And reminded me once again, like every other day, that my husband is so, so amazing, and I really am the luckiest girl.

...

It’s like jumping, it’s like leaping
It’s like walking on the ceiling
It’s like floating, it’s like flying
Through the air
It’s like soaring, it’s like gliding
It’s a rocket ship you’re riding
It’s a feeling that can take you anywhere

It’s like a knife through the heart
When it all comes apart
It’s like someone takes a pin
To your balloon
It’s a hole, it’s a cave
It’s kinda like a grave

Today....

 

I actually put on makeup!

I went on a walk, alone.

I went to the grocery store, alone! (This is MAJOR for me. I have not gone anywhere alone since the m/c in fear of running into someone I know and, well, actually having to talk to them.)

I sat outside in the sunshine and wrote in my journal.

I played with my dogs.

I set up my follow-up appointment with my doctor to discuss our next treatment cycle. Which I assume will be the same as last time, IUI with injectibles.

And since I am only going to focus on the positives today-that is all.