Update

My hcg went back up on Thursday. So, ectopic it is. I went to the hospital Thursday evening for a methotrexate injection. The shots in my ass were far less painful than the following:

Nurse: What number pregnancy?
Me: 2nd
Nurse: So you have one at home.
Me. No. I had a miscarriage.
::Silence::
Nice, huh? Oh, and of course this means no vacation for us right now. No fertility treatments for 3 months. And,  I get to figure out what will are going to tell everyone as to why we didn't leave for our vacation this morning.
So, like I said below. F you universe. This shit isn't funny.

Dear Universe,

Fuck you. I'm not laughing.
XOXO,
Amber

I miss the old me.

The one who used to always laugh, break out in random dance moves, change the words to songs & belt them out to correlate to whatever was going on at the time. Or, just the old me who didn't start crying at the drop of a hat. Or maybe smile, for no reason. The me who could make a simple decision and go to the grocery store without being afraid of seeing someone I know. The me who didn't want to avoid friends.

I feel like a shell of my former self.

I should be happy right now. I want to be happy. We are getting ready to leave on a vacation we have talked about for years. A month long vacation. I want to be excited. But, all I could do was cry the other night when my husband hugged me and asked me what was wrong. The only reason I could give was, "I wish I was happy." And when he asked last night if I was excited for the vacation, I instantly burst into tears. "I want to be excited."

I hope to find a little of my old self on our vacation. It will be just me & my favorite person in the whole world, so if anything will help me, this is it.

(We will be stopping at hospitals every week for blood work. My level was 43 on Monday.)

Memorial for Baby M.

Though time may have passed since the loss of your baby, know that you and your baby are not forgotten. Out of respect for you and your baby, Hospital invites you and your family to a very special memorial. It is the practice of Hospital to bury the remains of tiny miscarried babies together in a "Common Burial."

The memorial is Saturday morning. I am glad that they do this, but I know it is going to be a hard day. I almost wish it would have been last month. Would that have made it any easier? No, but I feel like I have gotten some closure as time has gone by and I don't want to revert back to my worse/more depressed days at all. I hope it brings more closure.

Cross your fingers.

I haven't mentioned our vacation yet, because we have been unsure on the dates. We have been talking about this vacation for years, and we decided last year that we would go this summer, for 4-5 weeks.

Well, we knew we wanted to work around our fertility treatments, as those were top priority. Then, I got pregnant and we thought we had the date pretty much figured out. Then, miscarriage. Then, DH was asked to be in a wedding this summer. Now, another miscarriage.

So, we decided it's pretty much now or who in the hell knows when. So, as long as my hcg levels continue to drop, we will be leaving sometime at the end of this month. Yeah, as in 2 weeks from now. We would need to leave then to get back in time for the wedding my husband is in during July.

So, I'm asking begging you to cross your fingers, send good vibes, think of me, or whatever it is you believe in...please do it for me! I need these numbers to drop. Not soley for my vacation, but for my sanity! I NEED this vacation!

Update

Today's beta was down to 58. Last Monday it was 104, so let's hope they are down to 0 by next Monday. It feels odd to be hoping for my levels to lower, when I still wish so badly I could be watching them double.

And as an added bonus, the tech had a tough time with my veins today. Multiple sticks on both arms. Worst it has been in a LONG time. Nothing like some more salt in the wound.

We have an appointment with the RE next week, but I went ahead and asked the nurse about RPL panels & karyotyping. Hopefully we will get appointments made for that, and may just cancel the appointment with the RE.

Yep, just another normal week in Infertility land.

Bitter or better?

I remember hearing the words "We can become bitter or better." It really hit me. When we go through shitty situations (to say the least) it changes us. I guess I can choose which one I want to become. I always thought that my struggle with infertility would make me a better person in the long run. You know, make me appreciate things more, not take them for granted. Make me a more sympathetic person. A better listener. More understanding. More compassionate. And I can't leave out the fact that I will never ask rude, personal questions. "Why don't you have kids?" ::shudder:: Everyone would be better if they knew not to do such.

But for now, I choose bitter. Or maybe I'm not choosing. Maybe it's because the pain is too raw. Bitter chose me? I don't know. One day, I'll choose better.

This makes me think of a poem I read now & then. You can read it here.

Oh yeah

I forgot to mention, I now have a twitter account. Ya know, cause I totally need another thing to spend too much time on, right? I mostly follow other IF'ers. (Hmm, does IF'ers even make sense? Well, you know what I mean.) Leave me a comment with your twitter name so I can follow you.

You can find me @BornInABarnBaby

From over the moon to in a dark hole.

I have typed & deleted more than I care to admit. I don't know how to put this into words, or where to even begin.

I had bloodwork on Friday to see if I could start provera, so we could begin another IUI with injectibles cycle. I got the shock of my life when the nurse called & told me I was pregnant. Beta was 146. I got off the phone and couldn't say anything expect WTF? My husband's reaction was pretty much the exact same.

I went back for repeat bloodwork today. Today's was 104. Yep, it's dropping. Over before it really began.

Over. Again.

I am numb. I think I have lost all hope. What little hope was remaining.

Roseanne. Again.

So, I love Roseanne. I might just love the words to the theme song even more. They are just so fitting, I can't help but relate. I sing it just as much as I talk about it.(like here & here) Ok, I sing it more. Way more. So, I am super excited to get these framed and up on the wall.
(I designed them in Illustrator &  printed as 11x14 with a canvas finish.)