I hope I snag some snazzy 2011 glasses.

Dear 2010,
Where do I begin?  In short, you sucked. 2010 was filled with more heartache than ever. I feel like I spent a vast majority of the year in my bed & avoiding people and life.

Of course, there were high points. I think it is pretty obvious that my recent bfp is at the top of that list. Also, I took an amazing, kickass, dream vacation with my husband.

But, I still say good riddance to you, 2010. Hello, 2011. I'm counting on you.

Love, Won't miss you,
Amber

**Dear Readers of my blog, Friends,
I hope 2011 brings all you wish & hope for. Thank you for being a bright spot in my past year.**

1st ultrasound

We saw one babe in my uterus. Yay, for no ectopic! By my calculations I was 5 weeks, 3 days yesterday. I was measuring 5 weeks, 1 day. Close enough that I am not worried there. We saw the gestational & yolk sac, which is all we should be able to see so early.
My next appointment isn't until January 17th, since they like for the RE to be present, and that will be the next time he is in town. If all goes ok then, I will graduate from my RE!! Since we waitied an hour over our appointment time yesterday, I will not be sad about moving on.

::Exhale::

I have been on the verge of an anxiety attack all day, waiting to hear my last beta update. My husband kept trying to remind me that all the other betas had been good, and I had no reason to expect bad. But, hello, has he never met me? I told him Christmas would be cancelled for us if we got bad news.

Finally, the call. Beta #4 is 1,971. First u/s is on Monday. ::massive sigh of relief:: I am still shaking and on the verge of tears, but for good things this time.

Another shout out to all of you for your amazing support. Seriously. Speechless.

Beta # 3

533.  And only one needle poke today!
Another draw on Thursday, and then an u/s should be scheduled.

Still nervous, still cautious, still pregnant!

How will I explain this bruise?

Lots of needle pokes, a blown vein in my hand, and having to leave the RE office & go to another lab to finally get my blood drawn: all worth it. Beta #2 is 206!!

I know I am not in the clear yet. I have seen great first & second betas followed by a loss. ::points to self:: I will continue having my levels checked until it reaches 2,000. Then an ultrasound will be scheduled.

Thank you again for all your good thoughts. When I started this blog I never thought I would have followers. All your comments & support mean so, so much!

Every life leaves something beautiful behind.

This ornament hangs on our tree in memory of our babies we lost earlier this year. While I wish I didn't have this ornament on my tree, in a strange way it is now one of my favorites.

I hope with everything in me, that next year I can place a Baby's First Christmas ornament close by.

If anyone is interested, this is the "Always Remembered" from Hallmark. It does list the year at the top of the ribbon.

Beta #1

At 12 days past iui, my hcg is 93 and my progesterone is 50. Repeat on Friday.

 ::Deep breaths::

Thank you all for the positive thoughts. You guys rock!

Ecstatic & Scared

I'm off for beta #1. More to come later.

Unpopular Opinion

I'm kinda over acupuncture. I mean, it's not like I dread it, but I no longer look forward to going. Considering I have only gone five times, I thought I would be loving it. I had my best response this cycle, so I will continue going if this IUI didn't work. Maybe it's because I feel like acupuncture is yet another thing on a long list of what I have to do in this whole process?

p.s. Needles in the bottom of your foot? They effin hurt.

Cheater, cheater part 2?

I scheduled a phone consult with a new RE. Sometimes I feel like I am doctor jumping, but then I remind myself how important this is and that I should not settle. It felt a little less like cheating this time.

I could share all the reasons we decided to switch RE's, but I won't bore you with the long list. I'll give just one instead. We know IVF is around our corner if this cycle is a bust. Our RE has three offices in different cities, and ours is not his "home base". There is no way I would feel comfortable doing ivf there. While in the office last week I listened to a conversation between the embryologist & nurse. The embryologist was asking the nurse what day all the transfers would be on that week. To hell with what is best for the patient, I guess it all depends on the doctor's schedule!?

I emailed this new RE with multiple questions and he replied back within less than 24 hours! Hell, I can't even get the nurses at my office to call me back and I am an actual paying patient! Also, I will be seeing the doctor for all of my monitoring appointments. This is crazy to me, since I have only seen my current RE once. He also comes highly recommended and I have yet to find any bad reviews, despite much google searching & blog findings of his patients. The 3 hour drive will be worth it for my health (& sanity)!

Of course, I am hoping I can cancel this appointment in the next couple weeks.

I decided to do it in the butt.

The trigger shot, people! (I apologize to anyone that came here via a google search expecting to find something more exciting. You probably want to head on back to your other results.)

This was actually the first cycle I had to give myself an IM shot. With the old RE it was ovidrel in the stomach. Last cycle the nurse did my shot. So, this was a first for us. I had the choice to inject it myself in the thigh, or have someone else give it to me in the butt. After discussing it with some other girls, I decided I should go the butt route. I was a little worried for my husband to do it, seeing as he almost passes out when I have medical procedures done. (Need a refresher, or a laugh at his expense? I just realized I never told another one of his "almost passing out" stories. Oh well, back to the original reason for this post.)

I'm happy to report he didn't pass out.

And I didn't feel a thing. Wonder how many people can say that about their first time in the butt with their husband? He got a kiss & high five after.

p.s. get your mind out of the gutter!

What gave it away?

I have to start out by saying, my RE's office does not share a space with any other businesses. If you are in the building, you are there for obvious reasons, at least, one would think.  However, not all people think.

I was getting my blood drawn Monday morning and making small talk with the tech. A lab group comes into the office to draw blood, so the girls do not actually work for the RE. Three different girls seem to rotate at the clinic. This particular one started talking to me about how she signed up to be an egg donor. I told her how awesome I thought that was, she shared with me how much she would get paid, and then injections came up. I told her they weren't bad and you actually get used to them. I added that I have enough bruises on my stomach to play connect the dots, but it is still pretty painless. She then asked me, "Are you trying to get pregnant?"

Here we go, again.

So, I was beyond annoyed on Friday night. I had called the RE's office first thing Friday morning to let them know I needed to schedule a baseline, I had other questions about the upcoming cycle, including that I needed to order my meds. No call back. Saturday afternoon, on the way to a family gathering, I get a phone call. Sure enough, it was a nurse from the RE. Apparently she didn't call me back right away because she was trying to get my protocol tweaked a little by the RE.
We ended up detouring to the office for my baseline right then. (Which made us even more late for the family gathering. As in, over an hour late. We casually shrugged it off & dodged reasoning.) I started menopur last night. We have been discussing things, and this is likely to be my last IUI. We are strongly considering a move to an RE about 3 hours away, along with IVF.

In with the new

After much discussion, I made an acupuncture appointment. I have been talking about it for months. Oh shit, it's actually been more like a year. Anyways, I finally went. I was a little nervous for the unknown, but I enjoyed it. I will go more once I start a new treatment cycle.

Another thing I have been talking about doing for well over a year is learning how to sew! I finally got my loaned sewing machine out of the cabinet and said to hell with taking a class. I have been attempting to sew for the last week or so. So, if you have any easy sewing tutorials or websites you like, send them my way. I have only had a couple nights full of cussing with the machine.

I'm still here.

I know I've been extra quiet. I'm struggling lately. I hope to be back to regularly scheduled programming soon.

Surprise, surprise.

Or not. I am on another break cycle. Story of my f'in life. Apparently, it is protocol at my RE's office to take a cycle off after injectibles, due to your ovaries being over-stimulated. Hmm, would have been nice to know this before hand! I didn't update right away because I needed time for my pity party. Actually, it was a full out breakdown. It seemed that everything hit me at once. My due date, always being on a freakin break, hitting our 2 yr mark in December, the fact that in 23 months we have only had 2 injectible cycles...

::Sigh::

The only good news out of all this, is the fact that I convinced the nurse to put me on bcp so I didn't have to wait until day 35, take provera, and then run the risk that I would most likely have cysts after that.

Past cycle was a bust. Today is cd 2, so I should find out tomorrow if any cysts are back to haunt me. I had a pity party for myself this weekend, and now I am ready to move on to more needle pokes. As ready as I can be.

If I am on another forced break, my blog will be filled with lots of expletives. You have been warned.

Confession

I am afraid to buy pregnancy tests.  I mean, I don't have the best track record when it comes to trying to avoid seeing people I know. (If you need reminding, there was the close encounter with mother-in-law after my IUI & near run-in #2 with mother-in-law plus grandparents, just to name a couple.)

I feel like alarms are going to go off announcing my purchase. Maybe something to the effect of "Infertile alert, infertile alert. Everyone look at the infertile buying hpts in aisle 4."

So, I decided to suck it up and do the obvious, mature thing. I ordered them online.

Today is my due date.

Technically, I guess I should say it was my due date.

“And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.”

Is it y'all or ya'll?

I don't know. I don't use this word. I know, some of you are probably surprised since I live in a "barn" and all. :) My sign made me question this. Any southern gals want to help me out?

Trigger & worry

After 14 days of injections, (I think that is 21 vials of menopur) I triggered this morning.

I have to admit, I am not feeling good about this cycle. I hate to already say that, but it is the truth. The reason? I think my follies were too big. At my last follie check last week, the biggest two were only at 13. Today? 23 & 24.

No other measurable follies.

I wish I had more confidence, but all I can think is it is too late.

Slowly

but surely. That's me. I am such a slow responder. But, it's not surprising with my diagnosis. So, I'm still here, but just playing the waiting game. Still stabbing myself nightly. I'll take slow over no response or another forced break.

I'm talking about you.

Card can be found here

Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am to have an amazing support system? I'm talking about YOU.  Women who are more than just members on an online forum-you are my friends. I'm not exxagerating when I say I don't know how I could have made it through these months without you. Those of you I found through twitter, and anyone who has stumbled across my blog, thank you.

If someone would have asked me two years ago if I would spend time online and make friends, I honestly would have laughed. Though I wish none of us ever had to find each other, I am thankful that I have made some forever friends. Whether it's a blog comment, text message or a box of meds in the mail, I am always taken aback by your kindness.

I wish I could invite every single one of you over for happy hour!
(non-alcoholic included for my knocked up ladies, of course!)

I have friends!

My friend over at A Day in the Life of Jenn gave me the Versatile blogger award. You don't know Jenn? Well, what are you waiting for? Go check her pretty face out. Thanks, Jenn!
Since I recently gave out a similiar award, I"ll skip the passing, but I will list some random facts about me like I'm supposed to do.

1. My mom walked me down the aisle the day I got married.
2. I judge people who don't recylce. I mean seriously, it isn't hard.
3. We compost everything possible. We don't have much trash at the end of the week.
4. I read Playboy almost monthly.
5. I change the words to songs to correlate to whatever is going on at the time. I'm pretty badass at it.
6. My husband is nicer than me.

Good news!

It has been a while since those words were spoken around here. Yep, it even feels weird to type the words "good news". But, today IS a good day. My cyst is gone!!

So, injections here we go, again! This time we are doing menopur, since it contains LH & FSH, both of which I lack. I should have a better, quicker response than I did with the gonal-f.

I am excited to be stabbing myself again!

I am the face.

Every single day in the US, 2,000 women lose a baby to pregnancy/infant loss.

In honor of October 15th, National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I AM THE FACE is opening up the conversation and “putting a face” on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.

The goal of the I AM THE FACE campaign is simple: to spread awareness of pregnancy/infant loss, and raise support for those who are affected by it.

Check out the site. And, if you are one of the faces of loss, upload your photo. I did.

Overdue Project

We have had this ugly dresser for too long, and I have talked about redoing it for the same amount of time. I finally decided I wasn't waiting for our barn renovations to be close to finished before I redid it. Also, I needed a project to focus my energy on.

I took off the ugly handles. I was going back and forth on whether I wanted to paint them or get new. The deep indentions in the wood made the decision that I would just paint them.

I sanded everything down. 

Painting makes me cuss more than normal and throw paint brushes is not my strong point. Luckily my husband was willing to help me out to speed things along.

Finished! I love it and now have a desire to go yard-saleing to find more things to redo!

Come on, Fall!

Ok, I've got some indoor Fall decorations out, and I am not-so-patiently waiting for some gorgeous, bloomed mums to be on my front porch. Along side corn, straw bales & pumpkins of course. But, what I really want is some Fall weather! We got a tease, but now are back to the heat. Come on, Fall!

"I can't imagine that at the end of this hellish hole you're being thrown down, there isn't something beautiful at the bottom."

This was said to me by a sweet bumpie friend back when we were going through beta hell. I saved it because, well, I loved it. It makes me feel good to read it now & then.

Is there anything someone has said to you, or any favorite quotes that hit home?

Anyday?

This has been a hard week. In addition to being on another forced break due to my cyst, I've just been down. I can't really sleep at night anymore. I feel like I am retreating backward, instead of moving forward.

While I usually love getting all my fall decorations out and seeing everything fall related in the stores, it's different this year. October, my due date month, is now within reach. It seemed so far away this summer, but now it is approaching too quickly. While out with my mom yesterday I saw a "Baby's First Halloween" onesie and I recoiled. I had a painful vision of what it was supposed to be like. I should have been purchasing it, not running in the other direction.

I know I have mentioned, (& mentioned, & mentioned) my love of Roseanne. I spent many days in bed after my loss, watching season after season. It helped pass the time and get me through when my bedroom walls were my only views. Today, I watched the very last episode. I guess I thought I would be in a better place by the time it was over.

I'm tired of the rain falling. I'm ready for some sun.

Of course

I have a large cyst. Things couldn't possibly go smooth, could they? I told my husband last night that I was afraid I would have a cyst because I was too lucky that AF came so soon after stopping provera. Therefore something had to go wrong. I wish I would have been wrong. Looks like another 3 week-wait. At least.

Hey break, think I might be able to catch you at some point?

I called CPS this morning.

A "mother" told her child she fvcking hated him. Wait, she didn't just tell him. She screamed it loud enough that I could hear her while she was walking down the road. She told him she would beat his ass when they got home. Then, as if it couldn't get worse, she picked up a handful of rocks and threw them at him. While he was balling she added that she hoped he got hit by a car.

I witnessed this in broad daylight. What happens behind closed doors? My heart breaks for that poor child.

Some people just don't deserve their kids. Or even the thought of kids.

Home sweet home. Err, I mean Barn sweet Barn.

I was going to write a post about that sinking feeling you get in your chest. The way you are taken aback, quite literally, you hope no one notices. The lump that forms in the back of your throat when you try to utter the words, "Congratulations, that is so wonderful" without stuttering. The tears that are stinging in your eyes, and how thankful you are for sunglasses. The all over awkwardness you feel and the moment you can just get away and be alone is going to be amazing. At least, that is how I feel when I am shocked with a pregnancy announcement. And yes, it still mostly feels that way when you are thousands of miles away from home and you get the " We just found out we're pregnant with a honeymoon baby" call.

Oh, but I'm not going to talk about that (ha) because I am home from vacation and feeling great! We got home Tuesday night, and Wednesday morning I was already at the new RE's office getting poked. I started provera yesterday, so the wait is on for the next inject cycle to start. I am back, and ready to kick infertility's ass. I hope this attitude sticks around for a while!

I received this award from the amazing Sulfa. She has got to be one of the sweetest girls around, and is among my favorite "bumpies". Read her blog and I promise you will be laughing out loud and cheering her on.

 I received the Versatile Blogger award from the  Infertility Doula. If you haven't read her blog, you need to check her out. I discovered her via twitter, and I am so happy that I found her. It was like she knew I needed her to write this post when she did. Even though I still felt a little like a cheater. :)

Thank you, ladies! You both made me smile.

 So, I admit I am going to combine the two awards, and only list 5 things about myself instead of ten.

1. I rarely call people by their actual names. It's not that I think I make up better names or anything, but if I know you really well, I will probably have something else to call you.

2. I wear dresses almost daily when it is warm. (I would wear them everyday, but that would require shaving my legs everyday. And, well, I'm lazy.)

3. I have a degree in photography. I got burnt out with it a couple years ago, but really need to get back into it, if only for personal use.

4. I cuss too much.

5. I am indecisive (it took me waay too long to decide what 5 things to type), yet very opinionated.

Ok, since I have basically been away from the blogging world for 4 weeks and I am behind on all reading and I don't want to duplicate any awards given, I'm going to just pass the award onto one blog I think everyone should read.

AMB at Only Time Will Tell. You will smile, laugh & cry. (& squeee over the cuteness of her doodle!)

And the sun is shinin'

This road keeps windin'

Through the prettiest country

And I got the one I love beside me

My troubles behind me

I'm alive and I'm free

On the road again

Well, our vacation officially began at the start of this week!! Yes, the vacation that I talked about numerous times, only to be postponed. However, none of that matters now that it's here!

Let me apologize in advance, because I know I will be neglecting this blog for the next four weeks. I'll try to make a few posts, and maybe show some photos, but internet could be hit or miss for a while.

Hope everyone is doing great!

Crisis averted

I know I have mentioned near run-ins with my Mother-in-law while leaving the RE. Since you have to walk through the main entrance of the local women's hospital to get to the RE, (I am not joking. What evil person designed things that way??) I am always worried about seeing someone I know.  When I'm alone I slap on my sunglasses and book it to the stairs or run to hide in a bathroom if I think I see someone I know. (True story) But, with the husband in tow, it's even more nerve-wracking.

Yesterday we had a follow-up appointment with our current RE. Husband sees his mom's car parked in the parking lot. ::Cue panic attack.:: Ok, we'll park in a different parking lot and walk farther in the 100 degree weather, no biggie. While we are sitting in the truck, getting our made up stories straight in case we see her, my grandparents drive by. At this point all I can do is laugh. As in laugh soo hard I can barely breathe. My cousin had just given birth, so she was also in the hospital. So, that just added even more family members to possibly dodge.

We miraculously made it in and out without seeing anyone. Goodbye RE! Yet another reason I won't miss you!!

Cheater, Cheater

So, we have been having some second thoughts about our RE recently. We had a consultation with a new RE yesterday.

Since our "2nd loss" I have questioned whether I was ever really pregnant again, or if my hcg was still up after my first d&c. My RE dismissed that theory right away. I could never really get rid of that feeling, but since I'm not a doctor I listened to him. The new RE thought the opposite. He also added in the possibility that I had an ectopic with my first pregnancy, in addition to my miscarriage. Of course, we will never know for sure, but new RE was confident that my numbers were up from my first loss.

New RE thought the recent d&c was unnecessary, due to my low numbers at the time. I questioned old RE's office about this beforehand, and was convinced it was needed. Also, I found out I had a cervical perforation during second d&C. I know it isn't that uncommon, but I was never told. I found out when I requested my medical records. Nice.

New RE wants me to also do Menopur injects. It contains both FSH & LH, which I have low levels of. I stimmed for 14 days last time (with gonal-f only) and only had one "for sure" follicle and then a close second they weren't positive about. Menopur should give me better quality eggs, faster.
This was one time that cheating was a smart & necessary decision.

You scream, I scream, we all scream

In the past, I would have celebrated good news with some Mich Ultras, vodka & sprite (extra lime, please),  and whatever else sounded good at the time.

How did I celebrate this week? With ice cream & a high five!  ::I will allow this time for you to stop laughing, rolling your eyes, and calling me a dork::  I know, it's not nearly as fun as the first option, but hangovers hurt waaay to bad these days.

Oh, and maybe I forgot to mention that I will also be celebrating while on vacation! We are leaving on Monday, and will return home sometime in August. I guess that beats ice cream & a high five.

Sa-weet!

My beta is FINALLY negative. FINALLY!! This has been the never-ending miscarriage. Since May 10th to be exact.

When the nurse told me all I could say was, "Sweet!".

I hung up and called my husband right away. His reaction? "Sweet!"

Yeah, today is a good day. It feels amazing to be able to say and think those words.

I'll be having mass amounts of alcohol.

Today's beta? 13. Yes, it went up. Only one, but still. Wrong fvcking direction.
Another draw on Monday. It is looking like I will have to have another methotrexate injection.

Oh, but my nurse said she was aware we were still trying to go on our trip. The trip that was postponed due to my last metho injection. Her word's? Don't lose hope on the vacation.

I didn't bother telling her that hope is no longer in my vocabulary.

Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies

she never did before

From now until she dies,

she'll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mom how she is

and because she can't explain,

She will tell a little lie

because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

She'll say "I'm alright"

If that's the truth, than tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

she seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see,

nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truth

just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how is she

she'll lie and say she's fine

 

This was posted on a miscarriage board I occasionaly post on. Author unknown.

If it wasn't for bad luck,

I don't think I would have any luck at all. Beta level? Back up to 12. It was 10 last week. Another draw this Friday, and that will decide what our next steps are.

My reaction? Well, besides lots of cussing, I am back to using sarcasm as my coping mechanism. I mean, a person can only do so much crying, spending hours in bed, and eating more ice cream than thought possible. Oh, and laughing. You know, like I mentioned here.

I asked my husband last night what he has been thinking about all this. He took a minute and then, "A singer once said, you can't know joy until you know pain." Or something like that.

Obviously my first reaction was to guess what singer he was quoting. "Hank jr?" No "2-pac?" No "Jay-z?" Yes! (I feel like I just played a game of 'which one doesn't belong?') And then I did the next obvious thing. Broke out into "Slamming Bentley doors, hopping out of Porsches,Popping up on Forbes lists, gorgeous."

I understand the quote, and I try to remind myself of everything good in our life, and that yes, things could
be much worse. But, ya know what? I've been dealing with this miscarriage since the beginning of May. I'm ready for some joy. I'd even take a new pain.

In short

image copyright

I have news!

MY LEVELS DROPPED! It is now at 10. I know I shouldn't get that excited because of how things have gone in the past, but this is the first drop in 2.5 weeks. (They previously stayed at 17, then upped to 18)


Please, please be negative next week.

Mom knows best

My mom has this saying that she pulls out from time to time. "Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying." When I was younger I rolled my eyes and questioned how that made any sense. As I have gotten older, I have come to realize how true it is. Lately, I have been thinking about that a lot. Granted, I cry too much enough as it is, but sometimes laughing is the approriate reaction.

Yesterday I told my husband we should go out and get a lottery ticket. Why? Because a couple months ago he said that things could only go up from where we were. "As least they can't get worse," he said. (I know, I know. Worst thing to say, ever!) But, things got worse. So, they can only go up from here. Our luck has to change. Hence, the reason I thought we should buy a lottery ticket.

My husband's response? Laughter. Nothing but laughter. Followed by me cracking up.

Sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying.

Ouch

D&C #2 was yesterday. The first thing I said when I woke up was, "Why does this hurt soo bad?"
The pain is worse than last time, and so is the constant feeling of having to lean over a toilet.

I'm sure we were quite the sight when me, dh, & both dogs were hanging out in the bathroom yesterday. I couldn't help but laugh though, because I imagine my big pup was wondering why momma was so focused on his big waterbowl that he gets in trouble for drinking out of.

On a positive note, my recovery room nurse was truly amazing. More to come on her later.

...

"Infertility is what I do. It's my vocation: I don't get pregnant, or I don't stay pregnant. I'm good at it. I've been more successful at it than at anything else I've tried as an adult."

-Linda Carbone, A Little Pregnant

Good news? No. What's that?

Hcg was at 18 yesterday. It had been a standstill at 17 for the last 2 Thursdays. Since it is so low,
but won't drop, they want to do a d&c to make sure there isn't any tissue leftover.

Will this ever end?

Time, why you punish me?

Beta is still at 17. That was the number last Thursday. Repeat b/w on Monday. If it's not dropping I will most likely have to get another methotrexate injection. F'ing great, right?

Recap, anyone?

May 7th-pregnant
May 9th-Just kidding, it's not a viable pregnancy
--levels dropping--
May 27th-Beta rising. Methotrexate injection
--levels dropping--Yay!
June 17-Level at a standstill

How much longer is this going to take? I don't think my sanity (if I am still considered sane) can handle this much longer.

Slowly but surely

Beta is still dropping. ::another sigh of relief::

Of course it's taking its sweet ass time. Hurrrry up. Pretty please?

3 years ago today,

I married the man of my dreams. A day rarely goes by that I don't wonder how in the hell I got so lucky.

Little bit of good news

Beta dropped! Now I don't need to worry about surgery or another methotrexate injection. ::sigh of relief:: Hopefully it is almost, if not already, negative by next week. Don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up or anything.

Just so you know, it's really depressing to unpack all your stuff for a vacation that never occured. I am attempting to remind myself that I now have something to look forward to, the vacation in July. I know it's soo wrong to wish any part of the summer away, but I can't help but do so. Hurry up mid July! Plus, every day that goes by is also one step closer to ttc again. Geez, I need a life.

Update

My hcg went back up on Thursday. So, ectopic it is. I went to the hospital Thursday evening for a methotrexate injection. The shots in my ass were far less painful than the following:

Nurse: What number pregnancy?
Me: 2nd
Nurse: So you have one at home.
Me. No. I had a miscarriage.
::Silence::
Nice, huh? Oh, and of course this means no vacation for us right now. No fertility treatments for 3 months. And,  I get to figure out what will are going to tell everyone as to why we didn't leave for our vacation this morning.
So, like I said below. F you universe. This shit isn't funny.

Dear Universe,

Fuck you. I'm not laughing.
XOXO,
Amber

I miss the old me.

The one who used to always laugh, break out in random dance moves, change the words to songs & belt them out to correlate to whatever was going on at the time. Or, just the old me who didn't start crying at the drop of a hat. Or maybe smile, for no reason. The me who could make a simple decision and go to the grocery store without being afraid of seeing someone I know. The me who didn't want to avoid friends.

I feel like a shell of my former self.

I should be happy right now. I want to be happy. We are getting ready to leave on a vacation we have talked about for years. A month long vacation. I want to be excited. But, all I could do was cry the other night when my husband hugged me and asked me what was wrong. The only reason I could give was, "I wish I was happy." And when he asked last night if I was excited for the vacation, I instantly burst into tears. "I want to be excited."

I hope to find a little of my old self on our vacation. It will be just me & my favorite person in the whole world, so if anything will help me, this is it.

(We will be stopping at hospitals every week for blood work. My level was 43 on Monday.)

Memorial for Baby M.

Though time may have passed since the loss of your baby, know that you and your baby are not forgotten. Out of respect for you and your baby, Hospital invites you and your family to a very special memorial. It is the practice of Hospital to bury the remains of tiny miscarried babies together in a "Common Burial."

The memorial is Saturday morning. I am glad that they do this, but I know it is going to be a hard day. I almost wish it would have been last month. Would that have made it any easier? No, but I feel like I have gotten some closure as time has gone by and I don't want to revert back to my worse/more depressed days at all. I hope it brings more closure.

Cross your fingers.

I haven't mentioned our vacation yet, because we have been unsure on the dates. We have been talking about this vacation for years, and we decided last year that we would go this summer, for 4-5 weeks.

Well, we knew we wanted to work around our fertility treatments, as those were top priority. Then, I got pregnant and we thought we had the date pretty much figured out. Then, miscarriage. Then, DH was asked to be in a wedding this summer. Now, another miscarriage.

So, we decided it's pretty much now or who in the hell knows when. So, as long as my hcg levels continue to drop, we will be leaving sometime at the end of this month. Yeah, as in 2 weeks from now. We would need to leave then to get back in time for the wedding my husband is in during July.

So, I'm asking begging you to cross your fingers, send good vibes, think of me, or whatever it is you believe in...please do it for me! I need these numbers to drop. Not soley for my vacation, but for my sanity! I NEED this vacation!

Update

Today's beta was down to 58. Last Monday it was 104, so let's hope they are down to 0 by next Monday. It feels odd to be hoping for my levels to lower, when I still wish so badly I could be watching them double.

And as an added bonus, the tech had a tough time with my veins today. Multiple sticks on both arms. Worst it has been in a LONG time. Nothing like some more salt in the wound.

We have an appointment with the RE next week, but I went ahead and asked the nurse about RPL panels & karyotyping. Hopefully we will get appointments made for that, and may just cancel the appointment with the RE.

Yep, just another normal week in Infertility land.

Bitter or better?

I remember hearing the words "We can become bitter or better." It really hit me. When we go through shitty situations (to say the least) it changes us. I guess I can choose which one I want to become. I always thought that my struggle with infertility would make me a better person in the long run. You know, make me appreciate things more, not take them for granted. Make me a more sympathetic person. A better listener. More understanding. More compassionate. And I can't leave out the fact that I will never ask rude, personal questions. "Why don't you have kids?" ::shudder:: Everyone would be better if they knew not to do such.

But for now, I choose bitter. Or maybe I'm not choosing. Maybe it's because the pain is too raw. Bitter chose me? I don't know. One day, I'll choose better.

This makes me think of a poem I read now & then. You can read it here.

Oh yeah

I forgot to mention, I now have a twitter account. Ya know, cause I totally need another thing to spend too much time on, right? I mostly follow other IF'ers. (Hmm, does IF'ers even make sense? Well, you know what I mean.) Leave me a comment with your twitter name so I can follow you.

You can find me @BornInABarnBaby

From over the moon to in a dark hole.

I have typed & deleted more than I care to admit. I don't know how to put this into words, or where to even begin.

I had bloodwork on Friday to see if I could start provera, so we could begin another IUI with injectibles cycle. I got the shock of my life when the nurse called & told me I was pregnant. Beta was 146. I got off the phone and couldn't say anything expect WTF? My husband's reaction was pretty much the exact same.

I went back for repeat bloodwork today. Today's was 104. Yep, it's dropping. Over before it really began.

Over. Again.

I am numb. I think I have lost all hope. What little hope was remaining.

Roseanne. Again.

So, I love Roseanne. I might just love the words to the theme song even more. They are just so fitting, I can't help but relate. I sing it just as much as I talk about it.(like here & here) Ok, I sing it more. Way more. So, I am super excited to get these framed and up on the wall.
(I designed them in Illustrator &  printed as 11x14 with a canvas finish.)

Ramblings

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, a rambling of how I feel about IF...today.

It's hard sometimes to even put into words how I am feeling. Hell, it's hard to even know what I'm feeling a lot of the time.

It's almost as if I am just running on auto pilot these days. I'm not really sure what I do during the day to keep myself occupied. Suddenly, it's nighttime, and I'm just glad to be going to bed. Not sure how I am even tired enough to sleep.

Infertility is such a roller coaster. You have your days where you feel optimistic, and you look back at your down days and think you are so far past them, and you pretend they aren't going to creep back up on us. Sadly, we all know they will & do. And now I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I didn't have my miscarriage. Yes, I would still be on the infertility meltdown rollercoaster, but I wouldn't have the pain of losing our baby. Seeing a heartbeat one week, and then nothing beating the next. But, I loved our baby wholeheartedly for that short time she was with us. Even though it's the worst pain I have known, I woudln't want to erase it from my life.

I confided in my bff a few weeks back. Until then, she knew nothing of the IF/miscarriage. It's hard to try to explain 16 months of struggles & heartache to someone. One thing I remember saying to her is "I never thought this would be my life."

There is a saying "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."
Most days I don't feel strong at all, but one day I hope to look back and be able to see that I was.

Out with the old..

So I finally got around to adding a new header. The boring, text only header was way overdue for a change. Opinions? Should I go with something else?

Girl's best friend?

Remember THIS post? You know, the happiest post I have written in quite some time.

Well, here it is again. I just got a gift of follitism this morning, from another dear friend.

I have met so many amazing women through this struggle of infertility, and I will forever be grateful for that. And to my follitism gifter, I can't thank you enough.

Rewind or Fast Forward?

I hate bad days. Bad infertility days that decide to just pop up when you think you are doing ok. Days where I can do nothing but think about what I should be planning for--you know, my baby. Our baby that is no longer here with us. Instead we are planning for more fertility treatments.

Some days I don't know what I would rather have. A rewind or a fast forward button for life.

Seriously.

Happy Earth Day!!

(it really should be every day.)

Oops.

I don't know how I forgot to post my pups' birthday pics.

They didn't dig the forced  posed photos with the hats.

But, they loved their cake!

What's the best gift you can give an Infertile?

Or, at least and infertile who is out of pocket for fertility treatments?
Hint: Better than diamonds, and sometimes just as expensive.

Follitism!

I smile every time I open my refrigerator and see it. Now, must keep any visitors from questioning the cooler in the fridge.

To my dear friend who made these smiles possible-I already knew you were amazing, but thanks for reminding me!

Genetic counselor appointment

It was a pretty basic, quick appointment. We just talked about the results-triploidy.

Our babe had 3 X chromosomes.

She said there is nothing we passed on to have this result and there is nothing to prevent. Also, the chances of this reoccuring are still the same as for anyone, 1-2%. She mentioned we could have chromosome testing done on us only if we wanted to, but she wasn't suggesting it.

Good news.

Good news. Ironic, again. But, still good news.

We have an appointment with a genetic counselor tomorrow. She just called me today. I am beyond thrilled she could fit us in so soon.

Yes, good news.

FINALLY! Test results.

So, my obgyn called me on Friday. She apologized again for not being able to give me the results, and said for the past 2 weeks her and the nurse have been talking to the lab. Then, on to the good news. She tracked down our results. Apparently they were sent to the wrong lab. Finally, we actually have results. Triploid. She is also setting up an appointment for us with a genetic counselor to review the results. Infertility treatments will be on hold until we meet with her. Obviously, I want to get in yesterday.


I am extremely relieved to have results, and I'm looking forward to having a better understanding of it all.

Here's a brief explanation if you're interested. The majority of babies with triploidy die before birth, and those that make it to term rarely survive the first six months of life.Triploidy means that a baby has three copies of each chromosome in each cell rather two, making a total of 69 chromosomes.

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind my smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried,
I want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

~Author Unknown

The universe hates me.

Or so it seems.
Got a call from my obgyn today. We have been waiting on our testing results since the d&c. Well, someone at the lab didn't run the tests properly. So, we won't be getting any results. F you lab. Seriously, Fvck you.

We also had our follow up appointment with the RE this morning. Today is also cd 3. So, after the doctor said we were fine to start treatments again if we were up to it, I had an u/s to check everything out. Well, my lining is too thick. We can't start treatments until next cycle. Lovely.

Fuck you infertility. Fuck you lab people.

Three!

Happy Birthday to my babies!! Three years old today.

My pup girl. She is a smart, spoiled, miss independent.

Big boy. He is a sweet, spoiled cuddler.

I will be celebrating by baking them a dog safe cake. And because I am a crazy dog lady, I am going to try to take pictures of them in birthday hats. Don't worry, I am aware I have officially lost it! If either one is successful, I will post photos.

Randomness

Just some random thoughts that I have been meaning to blog:

The other week I yelled at the tv. Something to the effect of "stupid bitch." My husband responded with the fact that he was glad to see me getting a little more of my old self back. I believe he might have thrown out the word sassiness as well.

It was a horrible idea to look at the video of us telling my parents I was pregnant. I asked my husband to record it on his i-phone. Well, I forgot all about it, and found it the other week. To see my mom get so happy & cry, watching my dad jump out of his chair yelling "I told you, I told you, I knew it, I knew it"-- was heartbreaking. My husband realized what I was watching and snatched it away. Then deleted it. Good call on his part. Bad call on mine.

I fully intend to make my dogs a cake on their birthday. I fully realize many people will think I am crazy.

Road Trip!!

Saturday morning we decided to go on a road trip and have some fun. Yeah, I know, road trip on Easter weekend? The fact that it was Easter was the main reason for the trip. I'm still not up for being around large groups of people, even if it is family. Also, Easter was the day we were going to announce our pregnancy to the family. Knife, meet heart.

So, we had lots of this:

While watching this:

 I smiled. I laughed. I had fun. I felt like the "old me". I know I am still going to have my bad days where I cry at the drop of a hat, and of course I think of the baby every day. But, this weekend reminded me that I can & will be happy again. And reminded me once again, like every other day, that my husband is so, so amazing, and I really am the luckiest girl.

...

It’s like jumping, it’s like leaping
It’s like walking on the ceiling
It’s like floating, it’s like flying
Through the air
It’s like soaring, it’s like gliding
It’s a rocket ship you’re riding
It’s a feeling that can take you anywhere

It’s like a knife through the heart
When it all comes apart
It’s like someone takes a pin
To your balloon
It’s a hole, it’s a cave
It’s kinda like a grave

Today....

 

I actually put on makeup!

I went on a walk, alone.

I went to the grocery store, alone! (This is MAJOR for me. I have not gone anywhere alone since the m/c in fear of running into someone I know and, well, actually having to talk to them.)

I sat outside in the sunshine and wrote in my journal.

I played with my dogs.

I set up my follow-up appointment with my doctor to discuss our next treatment cycle. Which I assume will be the same as last time, IUI with injectibles.

And since I am only going to focus on the positives today-that is all.

For ambrandau2 :)

I enjoy that they have a flamingo in the front yard. I think it's fitting.

Work situation

I've decided to go ahead and give the back story on my work situation.

So, our infertility & miscarriage have been kept private. (Yes, I know, I have a blog and discuss these things on a message board. I'm talking about "in real life": people I see on a daily basis, friends & family) It has only been shared with my parents. However, I decided I would tell my boss that I was having a d&c. I didn't want it to appear that I was slacking for not coming in for a week, and I didn't want to be bothered with questions from her. So, I told her I was having surgery and I asked that it be kept confidential.

Let's fast forward a week. The day before I was supposed to go back to work I open my email to find one from my boss. An email telling me that she shared my personal information with other people in my department, even though she knew I didn't want her to. Throw in some "twisted my arm" and "couldn't be dishonest" and that about sums it up. I was furious. Furious. Fury followed by tears. Our best friends and other family members don't know about our miscarriage, but now these people knew.

I went back to work that Monday. Thursday morning I left for good. It was the best decision for me.

Unemployed

Or, like I told my dogs when I got home, I'm their stay at home mommy for now. Should I laugh or cry for admitting that I actually said that?

I stood up for myself. I quit.

On the fridge

We got Chinese carryout this weekend. I always get pissed when I get dumb fortunes in the cookie. Sure enough, dumb. But, we got an extra cookie. So, I cracked it open the next night with our leftovers.

Those who can endure most are rewarded most.

It's on my refrigerator to stay. Hell, I might even frame this one!

As promised..

You may remember THIS post about dh. He just doesn't do well at doctor's offices. When they drew my blood on Monday, I asked dh if he wanted to go on the other side of the curtain. I was not joking. He decided turning his head would be sufficient. To my surprise, it was. Also, no fainting when my iv was put it. More points for him.

Let's fast forward to the recovery room. They bring dh in and give him a chair (nevermind that this thing was super high and towering over me). I admit I was still a little "out of it" at this time, so I can not remember how long he was sitting by me before he got up. He just got up, walked over by a wall of cabinets, and sat down on the floor. A nurse grabbed a fan and put it on him. He was, once again, white as a ghost. One nurse asked another to grab a drink and crackers. When she came in with them, she first tried to give them to me, because who would expect it would be for the patient's husband sitting on the floor in order to avoid passing out?
 
Hey, at least he can always make me smile. And, he didn't fall out of the chair.

If what doesn't kill us...

I've been singing this a lot.

Not out loud, of course.

One step forward,

Two steps back.

Progress

I got out of bed. And not only did I actually get out of bed, I went outside. It is about 70 degrees and sunny, and my dh stayed home with me today. So, he finally convinced me to get outside and watch the dogs play fetch. I even helped give them a bath. I was probably outside for near an hour.

And that, my friends, is progress.

D&C

I wanted to write about my d&c experiece because I am hoping that it will be therapeutic/healing in some way for me. Also, if there is someone that stumbles across my blog, and sadly finds themselves in the same position, hopefully it can help them as well. I was lucky to have someone to answer questions for me, and it helped to not go into it all totally blind.
I had to arrive at the hospital at 8 am, with the surgery scheduled for 10:00. I was taken to a private room, filled out a couple forms, answered basic questions, changed into the dreaded hospital gown, climbed into the bed & waited.
I had my IV inserted, and blood drawn. I was very happy that neither one hurt to do, but a few minutes after the IV was in, my hand and arm were in pain. I'm glad I asked the nurse, instead of just dealing with it, bc something went wrong. Once it was redone in my other arm there was no pain.
My doctor & the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me at different times. They explained what would be done and asked if I had any questions.
I was taken into surgery earlier than scheduled. As I was being wheeled through the hallways, I just kept thinking how it felt like I was in a movie. The whole scenario just still didn't feel real. As I was moving from my bed to the table, the anesthesiologist told me I would start to feel drowsy.
I then woke up in a recovery room. I asked for them to bring my husband in to see me. Before the surgery they said he would be in my room once I got out of recovery, but they went ahead and let him come in. I was still a little out of it at this point. I can't remember how long I was in the recovery room until they wheeled me once again to another private room. I was told once I drank something, ate, and went to the bathroom I could be released.
I was not expecting to be so bloated. I made the mistake of looking in a mirror in the bathroom. I actually looked pregnant. It did go down right away though, thankfully. The worst part after surgery for me, physcially, was the pain when I went to the bathroom. I am no stranger to uti's, but this was BAD. As in, I would cry if I had to pee. It helped a little to chug water. And, the pain is now gone today. So, it didn't last too long.
I have had some cramping off and on, but nothing too bad. I did get pain meds, and have taken them when I feel any cramping coming on. I haven't slept all that much, and without the pills I know sleep would have been even harder to come by than it has been.
The physcial part has been much easier than the emotional, but that is what I expected. I took this whole week off work, and haven't been out of bed for more than a few minutes at a time. I am not looking forward to facing the real world again.

Things that have made me smile

Though it seems rare, I have actually smiled a little these past few days. Reasons?

• My husband. He'll get his own post soon, and I'm sure one of the things that made me smile won't surprise you.

• My dogs. I love the way they get soo excited when they realize "their" comforter is being put on the bed. (It's what we do when I need a pick me up) I love that they both were trying to nudge the other out of the way to be closest to me. And were knocking heads over who licked my tears away. It made me smile that my big pup boy is such the teddy bear, and snuggles with me no matter what. Even my pup girl, who is miss independent and needs her space, snuggled up to me. It's crazy how dogs just sense you need a little more love sometimes.

• All the lovely ladies for their t&p, kind words & support. It brought good tears to my eyes. You know who you are.

Goodbye Baby M.

"What the heart has once owned & had, it shall never lose."

This can't really be happening. I just want to wake up from this bad dream. Infertility was the unlucky hand we were dealt. I don't want to add loss.

Nothing seems real. Yesterday before we went into our appointment, I was shaking. Literally. I was so nervous. I had a nagging feeling since our last appointment that something wasn't right. The fact that I could have a baby in October didn't seem real. Nothing seems real.

I have to have surgery on Monday. To remove my baby. I guess it doesn't get any more real than that.

No heartbeat

No heartbeat. Just air. That's what we were told at the RE's office today.
D&C is Monday morning.

No words for this pain.

Operation "don't see anyone we know" FAIL

Ok, so it wasn't even near being as bad as last time's close call, but still. I get so nervous everytime we head to the RE that we will see someone we know. But, this wasn't a close call. This was an "actually make eye contact with a person you don't want to see" call. We were on our way out of the hospital main doors when DH saw a pretty close friend of his parents. Said person also has daughter who is great friends with DH's sister. Lovely. Hopefully they don't mention the encounter.

Oh, and since we are always trying to avoid people, I decided we should take the stairs that are right next to the RE's office. We had no clue where they went, but how hard could it be to figure it out, right? Well, those stairs apparently only lead to locked doors. I had visions of us being stuck in this nasty stairwell. Locked doors and signs that said "keypad broken" was all there was. So, we stomped back up the stairs and luckily the door we entered in was still unlocked. Such fun stuff at the RE's I tell ya!

"Everything looks good"

according to the nurse at the RE office. We saw the sac, fetal pole and the flutter of the heartbeat. The appointment did calm my nerves, somewhat at least.

But, really, why must the nurse wait so long before she talks during the exam? I lay there, watching her face for any reaction, and fearing for the worst. Finally, she stopped and said "There is a sac." She turned the screen to show us, and then went on to do the rest. Even DH said he was watching her face, thinking the worst as well. At least I will know not to get too worried next time if she is my nurse and the silence seems to be never-ending.

Tomorrow

Is my first ultrasound. Nervous, scared, EXCITED. That about covers it.

Perfection

::cue heart melting::

I opened my front door last night to find a Pottery Barn package waiting for me. Wanna know what was inside?
The cutest stuffed dog & the softest ivory blanket, personalized with "Baby Last Name" in green. Had someone been watching me unwrap this, they would not have been able to count the number of times I said "Awww" & "Ooohh". My heart melted over the cuteness & kindness.